Friday, July 15, 2016

A Battered Old Journal, Prologue and Chapter Index

Title: A Battered Old Journal, Prologue
Series: Dragon Age
Characters: OC: Colin Theirin, OC: Mathis Hawke
Words: 421
Summary: Hidden in the library of the Ferelden Circle Tower is a battered old leather-bound journal that has given the mages of Thedas hope for one day being able to live free of stone walls and templar jailors. Within it are the accountings of Mathis Hawke during both the rise and fall of the Kirkwall Circle as well as his life after on the run.

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There is a battered old leather-bound journal that the mages of Ferelden’s Tower protect above any others.

It came to the Tower over a hundred years ago, the only possession of a fifteen year-old boy who claimed only the name ‘Hawke’. Hawke disappeared without a trace five days after he was brought in and how he managed that is still a mystery. A week later one of the Senior Enchanters found the journal hidden in the library and read it, each page bringing a revelation as to who its author had been and who the boy Hawke was.

He hid it in another place in the library and shared the existence of the journal with only those he trusted. In the years since that discovery, one mage or another has stumbled across the journal and read what was within, sharing it with others so almost all know of it. A handful of templars (including the current Knight-Commander) also know of its existence but they are the ones who understand that those they guard are still people.

Both groups guard the journal to keep it from being discovered by the Chantry. If the Divine knew what has grown within the Tower for a hundred years, what has spread out tentatively to other Circles through carefully coded correspondence and the rare travels, she would call for all of them to be annulled.

Because for a hundred years the knowledge that mages can be free to live their lives without being trapped has existed. All thanks to a disappearing boy who claimed a name the Chantry declared traitorous and blasphemous.

What work would we and our few templar allies go so far to hide?

Only one written by a mage who was born into that freedom could push all of us to such heights. The very public knowledge of his death, his mother’s death, his uncle’s death, and the survival of his sister and the children he writes of only aided our efforts.

The words of Mathis Hawke have influenced the mages of Thedas for a hundred years because the Divine of the Dragon Age, of the Faith Age, and of the current Age were wrong. Kirkwall was not full of heretics who allowed maleficarum free reign; it was full of men and women who merely wanted to live.

And it is the hope and dream of us all that one day what so briefly existed in Kirkwall will be the norm throughout Thedas.

from the journal of First Enchanter Colin Theirin, 11:20 Blood

Saturday, June 29, 2013

So I've decided to stop having blogs EVERYWHERE and just post to one spot. If you happen to stumble across this and are looking for more, you can find it at my tumblr.

http://terioncalling.tumblr.com/

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Truth Sets You Free

Title: The Truth Sets You Free
Characters: F!Amell, Anders, Nathaniel Howe, Oghren Kondrat, Velanna
Words: 1,039
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Dragon Age universe but my games and strategy guides. This is just me making a mess in the sandbox.
Summary: Elena Amell and Anders have a long conversation involving her and Alistair’s child…that slowly resolves into one involving them and one single encounter in the Tower that they both recall fondly.

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“You cannot go out in your condition!” shouted Anders as he stormed into the office. Elena looked up calmly from her paperwork and leaned back in her chair, folding her hands demurely over the now nine month swell of her belly. She let him stand there, breathing hard for a moment, before she spoke.

“I don’t intend to, Anders. It is my full intention to send a party out under Nathaniel to try and find this opening into the Deep Roads. Oghren and Velanna will go with him.” Shaking her head, she asked, “What made you think I was going to go out myself?”

Her fellow mage deflated a bit and shrugged. “I don’t know…I just…I’m used to you not listening to me.”

Sighing, Elena pushed herself up out of chair and pulled her voluminous robes about her before she walked up to him. Reaching up to touch his face, she said softly, “I’ve been listening for the past two months, Anders. I haven’t left the grounds of the Vigil except to go to Amaranthine since we recruited Justice.”

“I’m glad you listened on that,” he grumbled as he lifted his hands to touch her belly and she felt healing magic across her skin, assessing her state and the state of the child. “You nearly had him early because of that jaunt of ours in the Fade.”

She merely hummed in acknowledgment of his words then blinked as she found him leaning in close to her.

“Anders?”

“I…I’ve never forgotten that time in the library, Len.”

“Oh, Anders…I…I can’t.”

He pulled back, looking affronted. “Can’t because you’re still in love with him? With the King who doesn’t have the balls to tell the world he loves a mage?”

Elena frowned at that and said sternly, “Anders, it’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like, Len? Why’d he leave you to raise a child on your own? Why won’t you…” He lowered his voice as he realized he was started to shout. “Why won’t you let someone that wants to be there, be there for you?”

She stared at him for a moment, utterly surprised at this revelation, then said, “Anders…this child…it’s not just Alistair’s.”

“What does that mean?”

“The Warden that kills the Archdemon isn’t supposed to survive, Anders. This child…he’s the product of a spell that a friend who died during the Blight was going to do. I had her grimoire after and I couldn’t…I couldn’t let him die because I know Alistair would’ve taken that blow. And he couldn’t let me die.”

She realized that she was crying now with telling this story because she realized that part of her had always wanted more with Anders than what she’d had in the Tower. It had taken her a long time to warm to Alistair because Tower relationships were so…flippant…and she’d been raised on thinking that. As Anders pulled her into a careful hug, she continued talking.

“This child…he has Urthemiel’s soul. Uncorrupted by the taint. And I don’t know what’s that’s going to mean for me or him.”

“It means you’re going to need even more help than I originally thought,” muttered Anders. “The Archdemon’s soul in the King’s bastard. You still don’t do things by halves, Len.”

Elena managed a choked laugh at that then tilted her head back to look up at him, jumping slightly when her nose bumped against his chin. “One day the Chantry is going to hear about him and they’ll send templars to try and take him from me. You know they will.” As Anders tightened his grip around her, she continued, “I’ll have to run then, leave everything I know, and I can’t…I can’t fall in love and lose it again. Not like that. I don’t have it in me to do that again, Anders.”

He sighed into her hair then breathed, “I do know how to run away and not get caught if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

Don’t. Maker, Anders, don’t…don’t tempt me.”

One of his hands  – free of Alistair’s sword calluses but still rough and scarred from escape attempts and mishaps – rose to touch her face and Elena twisted her head slightly at the same time Anders lowered his head. Now they were face-to-face and she could see the seriousness in his hazel eyes and with his hand touching bare skin, could remember that one short tryst and their many long times so much better. She closed her eyes as she breathed in the scent of him, the Fade and lyrium and stone scent of the Tower mixing with the fresh air and winter grass scent that was their freedom as Wardens.

“The Wardens won’t protect us if we run,” she whispered, still trying to resist, still trying to convince herself that she could do this alone. Part of her knew, though, that she couldn’t, had known deep down since the ritual itself that she couldn’t.

And that little shred of the younger her that remained, who had agreed with Anders and loved him that little bit that the Tower had allowed her to feel, shouted that she wanted this, needed this.

“Then we’ll just have to protect ourselves and him, won’t we?” he asked. Anders pressed a quick, gentle kiss against her lips and added, “I always wanted more than that little moment with you, Len. Give me a chance?”

Elena felt torn between ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Then she frowned and asked, “Can you really do it? Can you run again and raise another man’s child?”

“I can always run. And what’s the boy to know? I’d be his father, you’d be his mother, and we might even give him a sibling or two if we get lucky.”

She stared up at him for a moment then lifted one hand to stroke his cheek, laughing a little hysterically as she nodded several times. “Okay,” said Elena when she was able to choke down the laughter, “okay. A chance, Anders. A second chance, you and I. We’ll see where it takes us.”

Anders smiled broadly at that and leaned down to kiss her as he breathed, “Hopefully a long way.”

And, to her own surprise, Elena didn’t think of Alistair at all as his lips met hers.

A Different Awakening

Title: A Different Awakening
Characters: F!Amell, Mhairi, Anders, Oghren Kondrat, OC: Marcus, Teagan Guerrin, Alistair Theirin, Rylock
Words: 3,180
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Dragon Age universe but my games and strategy guides. This is just me making a mess in the sandbox.
Summary: Six months after the defeat of the Archdemon, Elena Amell receives news of her promotion to Warden-Commander and is ordered to go to Vigil’s Keep. Of course her efforts to retain the Vigil, rebuild the Wardens, and survive the future are unaided by the child growing inside of her.

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Elena Amell rested a hand on top of her swollen belly as the wagon carrying her and her belongings rocked its way towards Vigil’s Keep. She could see its towers in the distance now and a feeling of dread settled over her, straightening her spine and causing her to slide a hand back along the seat towards where her staff was laying across the packs in the back.

“Something is wrong,” she whispered.

“Did you say something, Commander?”

Turning her head, Elena looked down at Mhairi, the recruit who’d come to retrieve her from where she’d been living in Rainesfere. Teagan Guerrin was one of the few who knew that she carried Alistair’s child as they had both told him after the defeat of the Archdemon when Alistair had called the younger Guerrin to his office. He has asked the other man to protect her then, as they had planned, because she couldn’t stay in Denerim and refused to go back to the Tower.

Plus, given his past with Eamon and events with Isolde, neither of them trusted her staying in Redcliffe.

Before she’d even met the young woman walking next to her wagon, Teagan had come to her home.

“Apparently you’ve been officially proclaimed Warden-Commander of Ferelden.”

“I can’t say I didn’t expect it, Teagan. They want me to rebuild the Wardens now I imagine.”

“According to the young woman they sent, you will already have a few waiting for you but that is the assumption I made as well. That isn’t my concern, though. What are you going to do about the child?”

“The same thing I’ve intended to do since we left Denerim.”

“Maker preserve, Elena, I’m not my brother!”

“I know that, Teagan, and I’m very grateful for it. That’s the only plan I have anymore, though, with this thrown at me.”

“You could refuse.”

“I could.”

“But you won’t.”

“No, Teagan. I’m not ready to refuse the Wardens and run just yet. That won’t happen until the Tower tries to come for me, because they will.”

“Well then, just…just be careful, Elena.”

“Of course. But think, after the Archdemon, surely we’ve earned a break. Everything will be fine, Teagan, you’ll see.”

Elena lifted her head away from Mhairi’s direction and nodded towards the Keep ahead of them. “Does it not feel like something is wrong?”

“No, Commander.”

“Hmm. Marcus, stop the cart, please.” As the plainly dressed man pulled the horses to a stop on the side of the road, he reached out to grab her arm before she could get down from the wagon. Elena turned back to look at him and said quietly, “I fully intend to return you to your Bann, Marcus.”

“And I fully intend to follow my Bann’s orders as a sworn man of the Guerrins to protect you, m’lady,” answered the man just as quietly. “Even if that means joining the Wardens.”

Pursing her lips, Elena silently cursed Teagan then growled, “Grab your sword then, Armsman, and follow me.” Marcus nodded sharply and released her arm, allowing her to slide carefully down from the wagon. She then marched to the back of it and pulled down her staff, leaning it against the wagon as she dug for another object specifically packed near the back for easy access.

The lightly armored coat she pulled out was the product of a collaboration between the blacksmith Wade and Alric, the Tranquil proprietor of the Wonders of Thedas. Alistair had had it commissioned specifically for her with the cloth enchanted for protection first and then given to Wade so he could add dragon scales to it as armor. Not just any dragon scales either; specifically scales taken from the hide of the Archdemon itself.

According to the speech Wade gave her upon presenting it, the cloth was enchanted to be stronger as well as have a chance to turn aside attacks and give a boost to her magic. Other than adding armor and a slight resistance to fire, he claimed he couldn’t know what properties the Archdemon’s scales added to the coat. It was light, though, far much more than it should be and every time she put it on, Elena felt an odd lurch in her belly. Like the soul of her child knew she was wearing its former hide.

As she finished buckling the coat on and grasped her staff, Elena called out, “Let’s go!” and started walking up the road towards Vigil’s Keep. Marcus was quick to catch up, now wearing a lightly armored coat like hers but one more fit to a soldier with Redcliffe’s tower on the front with his sword belted around it. It took a little longer for Mhairi to reach them given her heavier armor and by the time she did, Elena could sense the darkspawn ahead of them.

“Darkspawn ahead of us,” she warned then held up a hand as Marcus moved to draw his sword. “Not yet. They’re still some distance away and probably won’t have sensed me yet given their preoccupation with the Keep. We probably won’t meet any until we’re right outside the gate.”

Her words proved to be true. As soon as they caught site of the walls, a genlock turned and spotted them, shouting something in the guttural language the darkspawn had before it charged at them. Marcus and Mhairi drew their swords but Elena beat them both to the attack by lashing out with a stroke of lightning that took the genlock on the forehead. The wild energy tore through its corrupted body and it fell to the ground dead as the others noticed them.

“Maker,” breathed Mhairi and Elena sucked in a short breath herself, resisting the urge to touch her belly. She wasn’t sure whether it was the child or not but her magic had gotten stronger as the child grew within her. Before it would have taken several lightning strikes to kill that genlock instead of just the one.

She had to be careful or she might kill those around her with magic she wasn’t used to controlling.

As the rest of the genlocks rushed at them, she shouted, “Don’t ingest the blood!” Then she gripped her staff and brought down another bolt of lightning that struck one before bouncing to two other genlocks around it. Behind her Marcus called out, “Clear!” and she nodded, silently thanking Teagan for sending a soldier with her, then pushed on forward into the Keep’s courtyard.

By the time they made it into the actual interior of the Keep, Elena for working hard to fight some mild hysteria. She had known her magic was strong from using it around Rainesfere but those had been simple spells and minor healings, no battle magics or anything complicated. Now she had taken out several darkspawn, including a charging ogre with a single fireball, with little effort and could sense that she had just barely dipped into her mana pool.

She tamped her hysteria down, though, and resigned herself to the thought of working hard on control of this new magical power of hers once all of this was over.

And then Marcus opened a door for them to find several dead templars and a mage she knew. She nearly started laughing right then and there at the sight of him then sobered as she wondered if she had known these templars, if one of them was Cullen.

“Anders!”

The blond mage whirled, his eyes wide, and then recognition set in. “Amell! Fancy meeting you in a place like this! How’d you get out of the Tower?”

Elena smiled gently, remembering a younger her and a tryst under a library table with a much younger version of the man in front of her. Before Alistair, that had been the most memorable of her encounters with anyone. “One of the legal ways,” she answered, preferring not to go into details about Jowan or her alternatives then. “How did you get out this time?”

“Been out since Uldred went crazy. They let me loose before the Tower fell and I ran.”

“Loose?” queried Marcus, eyeing Anders cautiously.

Anders flashed a rakish smile and answered, “Year of solitary confinement. Anyway, so, Amell, how about we go on our separate ways and you don’t say anything to the templars about me?”

“Why don’t you join us instead?” countered Elena. When he flashed her a dubious look, she pointed out, “Anders, you’ve escaped the Tower at least seven times and the templars have dragged you back every time. How long do you think it will be before Greagoir and Irving get fed up with you?”

Hazel eyes narrowed at her. “What’s your point?”

“My point is I’m Warden-Commander of Ferelden now and I’m free from the Tower.” Taking a step towards him, she lowered her voice and continued, “I remember talking to you about being free to be who we are in the Tower, Anders, not chained and locked away. This is as close to that freedom as you and I will ever get.”

Anders pursed his lips at that then commented, “Quite the recruitment speech, Amell.”

“I thought so. And maybe I also want an old friend at my side again, not dead somewhere in a ditch because a templar got angry with him.”

He stood there quietly for a moment then rocked on his heels as an explosion – one of the dwarves they’d seen earlier, obviously – shook the Keep. Looking down at her, he said, “I’ll help you through this and think about it, Lena. That’s all I can promise.”

Elena smiled. “That’s all I want, Anders. Now…I believe we have some more darkspawn to kill.”

If Anders was one kind of surprise, finding Oghren was another. As soon as the darkspawn he’d been fighting were dead, he wiped black blood from his face and grinned up at her.

“Glad to see you finally decided to join the party, Warden.” He then leaned forward, peering at her, and laughed. “Got yourself a nuglet in the oven too! Whose is it?”

“Nuglet?” queried Anders then he frowned, looking at her again. Elena felt his hand grip her arm lightly and healing magic wash over her, inspecting her before he exclaimed, “Andraste’s flaming knickers, they let you come here with child!”

Marcus grunted and flicked blood off of his sword as he growled, “We weren’t exactly expecting darkspawn on our arrival.” He then looked to her and said, “M’lady, we need to keep going.”

“We do,” agreed Elena, pulling her arm away from Anders. When he grabbed her again, she laid a hand over his and met his eyes with a hard gaze. “I am a Warden first, Anders. And I am not yet at the point where I’m willing to lie down and let other people do my job.”

An emotion she couldn’t describe flashed across his face then he nodded sharply before growling, “Fine. But after this is all over, you’re letting me examine you.” She merely nodded her consent, knowing that despite all of his attempts to escape the Tower and his carefree attitude that he was one of the best healers in Ferelden, and he released her.

By the time they reached the top of the Keep and found a talking darkspawn there, Elena was nearly shaking with angry realizations. The Wardens in the Keep – her Wardens – were not anywhere to be found, except for the few dead ones. And the number of the dead was far too few to be the amount that had been there according to the information she’d pulled from Mhairi. So her only conclusion was that the darkspawn were taking them.

Taking the Wardens that were supposed to be hers to command and protect now.

She perhaps enjoyed taking apart the darkspawn calling itself The Withered a bit too much because of that. It had seemed rather surprised when her final Crushing Prison had choked the life out of it. When its corpse dropped to the floor, Elena breathed a sigh of relief before turning to the older man The Withered had captured, who had introduced himself as the Seneschal.

“Varel, Oghren, try to get together all of our survivors. If there are any injured, take them to the main hall – Anders will meet you there. Mhairi, Marcus, you’re both with me and we are going to comb this Keep from top to bottom and root out every darkspawn possibly still lurking. I want none of their taint left in this building in a few hours. Understood?”

Various comments answered her and Anders responded with one particularly jaunty salute before he disappeared. As she turned towards Marcus, he asked, “Shouldn’t you rest, m’lady?”

Elena shook her head slightly and answered, “I’ll rest when I’m certain we’re safe and right now I’m not sure of that. Now draw your sword, Armsman. We’re going hunting.”

By the time they had finished combing the Keep and Anders had healed the last of the wounded, one of the surviving soldiers in the Keep came bolting up to Elena with the surprising news of seeing the royal banners coming towards them. It had taken her exhausted mind a moment to catch up with what had been said then she growled, “Alistair,” and made for the gate with Marcus on her heels. Anders, Oghren, and Varel joined her along the way and she came to a stop in the courtyard as the King came up the hill with a crowd of templars behind him with the rest of his entourage…and her wagon.

“Commander, I believe you lost something,” commented Alistair with a grin as soon as he saw her. As he waved for the man driving her wagon to move past them, his eyes flickered over her and lingered on the swollen belly hidden under her armored coat before rising to meet hers again. “We marched as soon as rumors reached us of the Vigil being attacked.”

“The darkspawn have been pushed back from the Keep,” said Elena shortly, all the while thinking, Why did you come here? “Your Majesty shouldn’t have marched here yourself. Isn’t the Queen with child now?” It was harsh of her, perhaps, but it was a reminder to both of them of what they were now.

Alistair flinched only slightly at her jibe and not enough to be noticed by anyone but her. “She is and is hoping for it to be a boy, as well,” he answered. “As to my being out, one always needs a breath of fresh air every once in a while. Given that you seem to have everything under control, we’ll be heading back…”

“Not before dispensing justice!” snapped a female voice and one of the templars strode forward. She pointed a gauntleted hand at Anders and continued, “This mage is a murderer!”

“Murderer?” repeated Anders, looking around in confusion. “I’ve never murdered anyone, Rylock!”

The woman glared at him and Elena could see the slight madness in her eyes. “What happened then to the templars that reported they were bringing you back to the Tower?”

“They died fighting off darkspawn!”

“A likely story,” snarled Rylock before taking a step forward. “I hereby take this mage into my custody!”

Elena straightened and said firmly, “Anders has volunteered to join the Wardens.”

“I have?” exclaimed Anders and she turned her head to stare at him. “Oh, yes, I have. Got to, uh, save the world, y’know.”

The templar started to open her mouth and Elena snapped, “I will evoke the Right of Conscription if you continue, Ser.”

“Your Majesty!”

“If the mage has volunteered, the mage has volunteered, Ser Rylock,” said Alistair. “And if the Commander says she’ll invoke the Right if you challenge her, then she will invoke the Right. I should know, I traveled with her through the Blight. Now…I believe we should get out of the Commander’s way.” He then nodded to Elena, smiling slightly, before he turned and left. Rylock and her company stood there for a moment, the woman staring angrily before she turned to follow.

As they left, Oghren grunted and asked, “So…nuglet’s the boy’s then?”

“Oghren,” growled Elena, not particularly wanting to talk about the subject, “weren’t you going to go back to Felsi after we killed the Archdemon?” She apparently hit a nerve because the dwarf went quiet. Part of her felt bad about prodding what was obviously an old wound…but he had just done the same for her. And a particularly sorer one given the high possibility that one day she was going to have to leave everything she knew.

Angry with herself now and even more exhausted, she turned to head back into the Keep and bumped into a tall body that she just knew was Anders. “Examination?” she queried.

“Examination then bed,” he answered. “I think everything else can wait till morning.”

“Agreed. Varel, see to the last of things, please. Everyone else…find a bed and get some rest. We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us.”

She didn’t have a clear memory after that of where she went but when Elena refocused on her surroundings, she was in a nice apartment and Anders was struggling to unbuckle her coat as she sat on a plush bed. As she gave him a confused look, he said, “Varel said that these were meant to be your rooms. Apparently they were that old Howe bastard’s when he was still alive.”

“What a pleasant thought,” she murmured, “sleeping in the same bed as Rendon Howe. I killed him, you know, in the Arl of Denerim’s estate.” As he cursed, Elena reached for the buckles for Anders lightly slapped her hands away. “I could have you thrown in the dungeons for that.”

His hands paused in what they were doing then Anders jibed, “And lose the pleasure of my company?”

That pause brought Elena back to herself a bit and she lifted one hand to touch his face, saying, “Solitary. Oh, Anders, I’m sorry. They should never have done that to you, not for wanting to be free.”

“Hush, Len. It’s in the past. Besides, I’m to be a Warden now and have my freedom, aren’t I?” He grinned at her then finally loosened the last of the buckles, pushing the armored coat back to reveal her long sweat-soaked tunic. “C’mon, let me get this off before I look at you.”

Exhausted as she was, Elena pretty much let him do most of the work then lay back on the bed, her hands rising to frame the sides of her belly as he put the coat away. Then she felt Anders larger hands come to rest on her belly and tears welled in her eyes before rolling down her cheeks.

“Andraste’s flaming knickers, the King is the father, isn’t he?”

“Oh, Maker, Anders, don’t say anything. Don’t..”

A wave of soothing magic rolled over her and Anders softly said, “Your secret is safe with me, Len. Now rest. I promise I won’t let any templars get you in your sleep.”

Elena could only nod and let exhaustion take her moments later.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Things We Do For Love

Title: The Things We Do For Love
Characters: F!Amell, Alistair Theirin, Morrigan, Wynne, Flemeth
Words: 1,621
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Dragon Age universe but my games and strategy guides. This is just me making a mess in the sandbox.
Summary: From the moment she was sent with the two Wardens, Morrigan intended to go through with the ritual Flemeth had told her of. Of course, she had no way of knowing that she would end up dying before she would get a chance to go through with it. What, however, if she told Elena Amell of the spell before that night? What choice might the Warden make on the eve before the final battle in Denerim?
Author’s Note: This idea came to me while I was rereading my Carina Brosca stories Together At Fault and Finding A Connection. Also for those who may have read my Treva Hawke stories, this is the same Elena Amell referred to in Friends With Complications but in a different universe.

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“Are you aware that a Warden must die to kill the Archdemon?”

“No, but it doesn’t surprise me given the Wardens motto. Why?”

“’Tis possible that you nor the fool need to do so. You could both live with the working of one spell.”

“Spells like that generally cost you more than they’re worth, Morri. What’s the catch?”

“The soul – the true soul, not the corrupted one – ‘tis bound to the body of a babe conceived in the spell. ‘Tis a simple working.”

“Children aren’t simple. I assume this is some spell of Flemeth’s?”

“Yes. Do you not wish to save yourself and your fool with such a simple thing?”

“Morri, I love you dearly but you have no idea how complicated this whole idea is. I’d love to tell you ‘yes’ wholeheartedly, that I’d do anything to save Alistair and I, but I don’t know what will happen between then and now. I don’t even know if we’ll survive to make it to that fight.”

“Hmm. I shall let you think upon it then.”

“You’ll be the first to know if I make a decision.”

Elena Amell closed her eyes as she stood at the window of her room in Castle Redcliffe thinking of that conversation on the road. Morrigan had been sincere in her want to help she knew as they had become close, almost sisters, during their travels. She just wasn’t sure how much she trusted something Flemeth had come up with.

If only she could talk to Morrigan now! She should have asked more about it then instead of brushing it off for a later time. One thing she had learned since she’d been sent to the Tower as a child was that later was never a guarantee.

She had forgotten that important lesson, though, and now she was on her own. Morrigan had died in Ostagar, killed by Elena’s own hands after they discovered the witch had become tainted more than a month before in the Deep Roads. She, Alistair, and Wynne had burned her body on the same pyre that they had built for Cailan and Duncan before they returned to where the rest of their party had set up camp.

And despite Wynne’s best efforts to be rid of them, Elena had kept all of Morrigan’s possessions; including Flemeth’s grimoire. It was sitting on top of the low table next to her bed, taunting with its presence and possible salvation.

Of course, Elena thought as she opened her eyes, that salvation only meant that she and Alistair survived the battle. He and she had had several long conversations and come to the heart-breaking conclusion that he had to take the throne to keep Ferelden from possibly tearing itself apart. So he would marry Anora after the battle was done and she would never see him again as anything more than her King.

Morrigan had asked if she wanted to save the both of them and she did, Maker help her she did. She wasn’t certain, however, if the cost was worth it and there was no one she could ask. Wynne was the only one who would know enough about magic to have a good opinion and she would inevitably tell her ‘no.’

A soft knocking on the door pulled Elena from her musing and she moved quickly to open it, her heart pounding suddenly in her chest. It was late enough that everyone in the castle should be asleep in order to ready themselves for the oncoming battle. And there were only a few people that would come to her door this late.

“El,” came Alistair’s voice from the other side of the door, “are you awake?”

It took every bit of willpower she had to not throw open her door and throw herself at him. Instead Elena opened it just a little and said, “You should be asleep.”

“So should you,” he answered with a wry smile. Then he shifted nervously, his smile turning to a frown, and asked, “Can I come in?”

“It’s not proper for a King to be alone in a room with a mage.”

As quick as his face had shifted between smile and frown, Alistair went to anger. He slammed a hand against her door and the other against the frame as if he would force the gap open and growled, “Don’t you do that. Don’t you quote Eamon at me, El.”

Elena stared at him for a moment then quietly stated, “It’s practically the same thing we agreed should happen.” All the while she was thinking, Go back to bed, please, go back to bed so I won’t make a suggestion I fear you’ll agree to.

“No, it’s not! I…Maker, El, I know what we agreed to and it wasn’t losing you forever!” He then frowned and looked down the hallway before asking, “Can I please come in? Before we wake up everyone in this wing?”

The logical part of her brain screamed ‘no’ but she found herself opening the door and closing it behind him as he came inside. As she turned around and pressed her back against the door, Elena found herself hungrily eying him, drinking in his form for the last time she could allow herself to get away with it. Then her gaze turned to the book on the low table and a pit opened in her stomach.

“Alistair…”

“Yes?” he asked, turning to look at her.

She ducked her head, wishing that his name hadn’t come out of her mouth, and muttered, “Nothing. Nothing, I…” Her words trailed off into a gasp as his hand touched her face, the sword calluses on his fingers scratching against her cheek.

“El, what is it?” he asked as he moved close enough that she could feel the heat from his body but not so close that he was pinning her against the door. “Please tell me.”

Elena started to shake her head then found everything spilling out of her mouth. When she was done there were tears in her eyes and she looked up at him, furiously trying to blink them away as she breathed, “Is it terrible of me to consider it because I want you safe?”

“No.”

Alistair then frowned, his brow furrowed, and said, “It would then also be terrible for me to be considering saying ‘yes.’”

For a moment she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but move her hands to clutch at his shirt like he was her lifeline to this place and time.

“Alistair…”

“You think I don’t want you safe too?” he asked, moving both hands to her face. Elena leaned desperately into the touch and shook her head. “You trusted Morrigan.”

“Yes.”

“Then I trust you.”

She found herself blinking back tears again then said, “The child will be a bastard and most likely a mage. I’ll have to run at some point to keep him or her from the Tower. They’d kill our child if they found out it bore the soul of an Old God.”

The pad of his thumb brushed roughly across her cheekbone then Alistair leaned down to kiss her before whispering, “I know you would never forsake our child as a bastard. And if you have to run…I’ll do what I can to help you.”

“Alistair…”

Our child, El. Yours and mine. I know we agreed that I have to secure the throne and marry Anora. One day I might even come to care for her, I imagine, but right now, right here it’s still you and I.”

It was almost too much to hear him admit he might come to care for someone else – and perhaps even love later – but there was nothing for that now. That was something that would happen now, no matter how much she might not want it, and she hated herself for agreeing to it.

They were Wardens and they had to think of what was best for Ferelden and all of Thedas.

“What about the Wardens?”

“What about them?” asked Alistair. He then moved closer, his body pining hers against the door, and bent his head to kiss her forehead. “They don’t matter here. This is you and I, El, with no Wardens, no crown, no nothing between us. Do you want this?”

Elena stared up at him for a long moment then breathed, “Yes. Maker, yes, I want to be certain you live even if it won’t be me next to you tomorrow.”

“It will always be you I want next to me,” he assured, his voice breaking slightly.

“Don’t say that. You don’t know if that will stay true.”

Alistair frowned at that then nodded. “Maybe not but for right now, in this room, it’s true until the day I die. Now…what do we have to do?”

She bowed her head at that, unclenching her hands from his shirt and letting them lie flat against his chest. The book lying on the table wouldn’t be any help here because she had studied the grimoire’s pages since it had come into her possession. And she had cast the spell she needed hours ago when she’d retreated to her room after supper, knowing that if she decided to speak of it, the spell would need to be on her for some time before it was able to do its work.

“The spellwork is already done,” whispered Elena. “We need only do what we’ve always done in our tent.”

“No,” he said firmly, “not what we’ve always done. Not when it’s the last time.”

Tears spilled from her eyes at his words, then his mouth covered hers and she lost herself in the sensations of the two of them together for the last time.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

A Battered Old Journal, Chapter Seven

Title: A Battered Old Journal, Chapter Seven
Series: Dragon Age
Characters: OC: Mathis Hawke, F!Hawke, Carver Hawke, Cullen, Fenris, Isabela, OC: Elena Hawke
Words: 1,879
Summary: The seventh entry in the journal, written on the twenty-first of Kingsway in 9:56 Dragon.

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Isabela and Fenris swept into port for the first time in five years today. Normally I’d write cheerfully about that but it wasn’t such a cheerful scene when I took Elena down to meet them at the docks. She doesn’t really remember them as she was three the last time they were in town so she wasn’t as excited as I was.

At least until we actually got to the docks. Then everything sort of fell apart.

I saw Isabela standing at the end of the gangplank that extended from her ship and waved, same as I had the last time I’d seen her at thirteen. She stared at me like she didn’t recognize me, her face draining to this ghastly sand-like color thanks to her dark complexion. Then horror flashed across her face and she shouted something that I couldn’t make out from how far away we were.

Immediately after a foreign sensation lashed across every magical sense I have – which are pretty damn sensitive according to Siegfried judging by my skill at healing since it’s a delicate magic. Then I looked up and saw furious green eyes amid white hair charging at me.

My hands found Elena’s shoulders and spun her around to tuck her tightly against my body as I curled protectively over her quite before my brain caught up with my actions. As soon as it did, every instinct screamed to turn around and not leave my back open, but I shoved the urge aside. I pulled a shield around us and breathed a prayer to Mythal to keep us safe (because I prefer the elven gods over the Maker and the Chantry given what it has done and what its actions made my father do).

I felt the blade strike the shield as I finally heard Isabela’s voice screaming the words It’s not him, it’s not him. Instantly the foreign sensation against my senses disappeared as well as the feel of the heavy blade against the shield. I could feel Elena shaking in my arms and looked down to see tears on her cheeks as she stared up at me.

Then movement at the corner of my eye caught my attention and I turned my head to stare at Isabela’s distraught face. She reached out until her hand pressed against the shield and said that I could let the shield go. I straightened as I did just that and moved a few steps away from her and Fenris who’d appeared next to her, dragging Elena along with me.  I’m sure with my wary steps and my eyes on them I looked like a hunted animal.

And rightly so, I suppose, because at that moment I felt like one.

Fenris apologized in that quiet voice of his and then his eyes met mine as he stated five words that shook my world.

I thought you were Anders.

In that moment all of Mother’s, Uncle’s, and Aunt Merrill’s comments on my resemblance came back to me. Even a few of the other mages, templars, and townsfolk have commented on it. The only person that never has to my knowledge is Cullen but I know his reasons because I’ve asked. I don’t compare him to the man I never knew and he doesn’t either despite (apparently) almost everything about me calling back to him.

I stared at him, eyes wide, then whirled as Mother’s magic washed over me, full of rage and fire. She swept into the docks with none of it visible but I could feel it there lurking, intangible and ready to blaze into furious storm if she saw reason for it to. At the sight of her and Cullen behind her, Elena tore herself away from me and ran to them, first hugging Mother about the waist before she went to her father. Cullen swept her up and she clung to his armor as he continued walking behind Mother, following her on her path towards the rest of us.

Her eyes swept over me and I felt the brief touch of her magic, what little healing she knows assessing me. Then she turned towards Fenris and Isabela and I felt her magic snap fiercely like a flag in the wind. The lyrium lines on Fenris’ body flared with light briefly in what I assume was a response then went dark again as he caught her eyes then looked away as he said, I’m sorry, Hawke. I thought he-

I know what you thought because I see it every day! snapped Mother and I stared at her, my heart suddenly racing even faster than it had when I was in danger. There was old, terrible pain in her voice and I knew why. She hadn’t told me herself but I found out from Uncle that she’d been the one to kill my father. Only…I hadn’t thought of what that meant before, hadn’t connected that with the comments on my resemblance to him.
I have been tormenting my mother for years without knowing it and there is nothing I can do to fix that. The realization hurts more than I can put into words and I can’t even imagine what she has gone through all these years.

Perhaps my younger self had a good reason to never want to relive the battles of the Champion with the other children and only those of the Warden. Did I have an innate sense then that I later lost of what Mother had gone through?

I don’t really know what happened on the docks after that as I turned and ran, unable to bear standing there anymore. The logical place to have gone would have been back to the home I’ve always known, to the Gallows in the room I’ve had since I turned fifteen or the one I grew up in. Even running to sit outside the door of our estate in Hightown would have been more logical. I, however, ran much farther in my attempt to get away.

All the way to Darktown, to the remnants of my father’s clinic.

Darktown has been aided by Mother and Cullen’s efforts in the city and it is a true part of it, a thriving region of tunnels where the residents no longer suffer or starve. They have all, however, left this space empty in remembrance. Some of them even bring flowers or other tokens and leave them at the doors underneath the lamps that haven’t been lit in eighteen years.

The rest of the city may remember my father for his last act, for the pillar of fire that razed the sky, but Darktown remembers him for a decade of healing those that everyone else had abandoned. I respect them for that.

How long I sat down there on an old desk in the dark I don’t know. Uncle, however, is the one that found me there. He didn’t scold like I expected or immediately drag me out of there. Instead he sat the lantern he was carrying down on the ground and carefully leaned his weight against one corner of the desk. And he waited there in silence until I was ready to talk.

I asked if Mother hated me for looking so like my father. Never think that, was Uncle’s first response, his voice fierce. Then it softened as he continued, She could never hate you for looking like him, Mathis. I’ve asked before and she said that seeing him again through you is one of the best gifts she’s ever gotten. The only issue she has with it is how it could harm you, how people could take their anger against him out even farther on you.

Then I asked if she was angry.

Just worried you might have gotten yourself into trouble. He then smiled and said, But I’m going to guess that you’ve come down here pretty often, haven’t you?

I just shrugged, not wanting to reveal that I’d snuck down into Darktown at thirteen to find this place and had been coming back ever since. The locals who’d been there when my father was had guessed at who I was and pointed me on my way back then. One or two always bring me food when I’m down there and ask for a bit of minor magic for this ache or that little cut.

They don’t need what my father provided anymore but what little I can do, I do. Guess it’s my own way of trying to negate all the pain he caused.

Uncle just nodded at my silence and asked, Are you ready to come back up? When I didn’t answer, he said, Fenris and Isabela are gone if that’s what you’re worried about. And if you’re wondering why he attacked you in the first place, he’s seen too many mages try to bring people back to life with bad consequences. He was, honestly, thinking of all of us when he ran at you.

His words made sense but they don’t stop my hands from trembling as I think of Fenris charging at me with the intent to kill in his eyes as Isabela’s horrified voice rang through the port. Even now as I write this they’re shaking just the little bit. I imagine they will for years.

Suffice to say that I walked out of Darktown with Uncle not long after his question and comment. Mother was there at the entrance, her graying hair free of its normal tie to fall about her shoulders and mix with the feathers of my father’s old coat. She ran at us, at me, and flung her arms around me to squeeze me tightly.

Normally it amuses me that her arms don’t reach around me as far as they used to since I’ve grown up and that I’m taller than her. Now though, after today, I wanted to be little again so she could gather me up in her arms and wrap us both in the folds of her coat. Instead I had to wrap my arms around her and bend my knees slightly as well as hunch my shoulders so I could drop my head onto her shoulder.

I breathed in the smell of her coat, old feathers and cloth with a hint of stone and magic that mixed with her own smell, and every muscle went loose from a tightness I hadn’t known was there. Then I felt her jerk and a hand touched my face, smoothing back my hair as I realized I’d spoken a question without realizing it.

My first question to Uncle when he’d found me. I wanted to hear it from her.

She only answered with a smile and one word: Never.

And I broke down in tears. After that, the rest of the night is a bit of a blur.

Like I wrote earlier, the realization that I’ve hurt her without knowing it is more than I can put into words. I’ve never wanted to disappoint Mother, never wanted her to look at me badly…but in that moment, behind her smile and her softly spoken word, I could see pain in her eyes.

Being attacked by someone I consider family is nothing compared to that pain. What does compare, though, is that I can never fix this.

Monday, April 2, 2012

A Battered Old Journal, Chapter Six

Title: A Battered Old Journal, Chapter Six
Series: Dragon Age
Characters: OC: Mathis Hawke, OC: Naris, OC, Tara, F!Hawke
Words: 182
Summary: The sixth entry in the journal, written on the tenth of Kingsway in 9:56 Dragon.

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 I miss my cat.

Sure, as Naris continually points out, there are plenty of cats in the Gallows that I could claim as my own. I practically already do that as I feed most of them anyway.

Valiant, though, he was my cat. He wasn’t just some mouser that gets fed by everyone and has more than a dozen names because every other child gives him a new one. My first act of magic was putting him back together.

Naris doesn’t understand that. Like the Gallows, Lowtown has dozens of cats and the random stray dog that have however many names people want to give them. They’re not like Valiant or even Mother’s old mabari Tristan.

Even Tara doesn’t really get it but she tries.

Most of the rest of the page is empty except for an addition near the bottom.

I think I’ll do what Tara suggested and claim a kitten from the next batch that’s born. As she put it, that way I’ll stop writing mopey journal entries (I don’t think this is mopey; do you think this is mopey?).